Sunday, March 22, 2015

"Do you trust me?"

One year ago I had the wonderful experience of hearing from God.  Granted, I was too wrapped up in the goings on in my life to fully realize that God, THEE GOD, was actually talking to me.


Last year, we sat in an a tiny room at our local ER, as a doctor delivered news to us that shook us to the core. My sweet little girl had a mass in her brain.  (If you are interested in the details, click here.)  As I sat there, snuggling and consoling my precious little girl, listening to people praying around me, trying not to lose it, I heard from God. 

"Do you trust me?"

At this point in my life I had been a Christian for a few years, but it wasn't until the year or so before this that I actually started growing.  I liked to think that I was in the "teen" stage of my faith.  I knew the rules and had a decent understanding of Jesus.  However, God hadn't asked anything real of me, yet.

Later that evening we were transported to a children's hospital, were we received more bad news.  Judging by the CT scans and her symptoms, they were leaning toward a diagnosis of a brain tumor.  It was then that I realized that we were currently sitting in a room on the pediatric oncology floor.  My heart broke.  Not just for my baby, crying in pain and fear, but for the "babies" all around us.  The first chance I had to be alone, I sobbed.  In my weeping, I heard it again.

"Do you trust me?"

Some point that night, between the crying and consoling, the nurses and the fear, I realized something.  This little girl is a gift.  A wonderful, precious gift.  No, not mine to keep forever and ever.  She belongs to God.  He just saw fit to bless us with her presence for an undetermined amount of time.  My heart knew that I had to give her to God, even if that meant God would take her home to be with Him. 

No parent ever wants to think about their child dying.  It goes against nature.  We had to prepare ourselves for the worst.  We had to know that even if the unthinkable happened, that we would be okay.  Not just as a couple, or as a family (I was 23 weeks pregnant with our second baby girl.), but that we would be okay with God.  It was terribly hard.  It broke my heart.  I knew I needed to trust God.

Everything, everything was completely out of my control.  I could not fix this.  I could not kiss her boo-boo and make it go away.  Only God could do that.  So, we prayed.  My mantra then became,

"God's got this.  Whatever happens, God's got this."

The next morning Big E had her first of many MRI's.  That afternoon we got some pretty awesome news.  The mass was an abscess, not a tumor.  Yes, she still needed brain surgery.  Yes, she was still very sick.  Yes, she still had a long way to go until we were sure she would be okay.  BUT... God's got this.


Two days after this journey began, Big E had her first brain surgery.  Two days after that, she started walking again.  Two days later, she was released from the hospital.  Two days after that, she was back in church.

But, no, that isn't the end of the story.  Only 11 days after her first surgery, she had her second emergency brain surgery.  This time the abscess had caused more damage, and moved into areas of greater concern.  Once again, I broke down.  God spared her life the first time, but this was much more serious.  I couldn't even listen to the surgeons explain the second surgery or sit there while my husband signed consent.  I cried out, praying that God would take care of her and that He wouldn't take her away from us.  Once again, I heard Him.

"Do you trust me?"

Yes, Lord.  You got this.


Big E had no additional brain surgeries.  Thanks to God, her neurosurgeons, infectious disease doctors, so many nurses, occupational therapists, and physical therapists, our little monkey is back to her relatively normal monkey self.  (Seriously, what 3-4 year old is normal!)  Praise God!

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